just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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