Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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