I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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