she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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