Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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