The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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