So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
