I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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