I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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