I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
