I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
