How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
