My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize