dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
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