If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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