i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
