I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
