Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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