The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
BRING THE BAGELS
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
