Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
