I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
