u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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