just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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