My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
