The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize