My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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