Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
where are my eyebrows?
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