The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
