My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
