just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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