never play flip cup with pint glasses
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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