i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
