is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
