What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
At least life still wants to fuck me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
