im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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