Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
