Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
