I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
