'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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