Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
