Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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