you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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