It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
