I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
