ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
