just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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