I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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