Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize