I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize