Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
