conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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