why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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