I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
