I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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