Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
