Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
